I had owned horses for about 5 or 6 years a couple of years ago. Giving them up was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, because horses were my dream and passion ever since I was a little girl. There was a time in my life that I prayed every night for a horse when lo and behold God answered my prayers several years later. He now has taken them out of my life for a reason, but there is not a day that goes by that I do not miss them. Horses have taught me a lot about life. Especially one mare I rescued, which I named Summer Wind, who dealt with abuse issues that needed a lot of work. I trained her in a round pen for a long time before I took her out on the trails. She was very head shy - meaning she did not like anything near her head. Among numerous things, making her not head shy was my main goal. Finally, that issue was solved in the round pen so I started taking her out on the trails, but she quickly threw away her training and went back to her bad habits because of the new setting. She would fling her head and try to bolt whenever some plastic bag flew by, another horse was near her, a random branch was close, etc. Summer Wind's story reminds me of a story about some fishermen. Their job was to get fish and sell it to the markets. Except Jesus had showed up one day and asked them to become His disciples, which they did until He died on a cross for the sins of all man kind. In John 21, after seeing Jesus once only for a brief moment after He rose from the grave, it says these fishermen went right back to fishing for fish, when Jesus had taught them to be fishermen of men. Yet, they were in a new setting from their training - they had no Jesus constantly with them; they were no longer in the round pen like Summer Wind… they were now on the trail. They went out and immediately got into the boat, and that night they caught nothing. But when the morning had now come, Jesus stood on the shore; yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus. Then Jesus said to them, "Children, have you any food?" They answered Him, "No." And He said to them, "Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you shall find some." So they cast, and now they were not able to draw it in because of the multitude of fish. ~ John 21:3-6 Trust me, there is nothing wrong with fishing. Yet, if you read this in context you realize that Jesus was trying to teach them an important principle: that they can no longer do the things they use to do independently without Him. Also, He had a bigger plan for them now - to point others towards the Kingdom of God. I do not believe they went out to fish just because they wanted some fish, but because it was easier to go back to what they were use to doing before Jesus called them to be His disciples. Summer Wind did the exact same thing with me. She was still attached to her old habit of being head shy so when the pressure of a new atmosphere hit her, it was just easier to return to flinging her head or bolt instead of remaining calm and focusing on just listening to my queues. This can be an answer to why many of us repeat our failures. We try to forget the past, but it always seems to find its way back into our remembrance because we see ourselves repeating it in numerous ways. Or maybe we were really good at something, but seem to be losing our "touch." I have a good example of this. I use to be really good at managing my time with school - I would get assignments done even if it meant taking up my whole week with just school; I was really committed. I then asked God to be more involved in my life, including school. Things went well as usual, until I hit rock bottom a couple of times. I am again just recently at that rock bottom stage - I am not managing my time well, which means school is not getting accomplished like I would like it. I have become unmotivated. Just a couple of days ago I looked at the quote I have had pinned on my bedroom wall for like forever by Martin Luther: Work, work from early till late. In fact I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer. I have surrendered my college life to God, but I still have been relying on myself to get it done; I have been a fisherman going out to fish, expecting that I can still do it independently when I have given it to Him. What is wrong with this thinking? Well, you see, I was thinking with my own head, not spiritually. I have been convincing myself that I can do things like I have always done before, which is independently. Except now…. it is through His Spirit that I must do all things. For some of us, like me, that is a hard reality. I like doing things my own way with my own ideas. However, God has something way more grand for me. That does not mean I will now do things perfectly, but I know He is in control because I made a decision to make worshipping Him my first priority. He is the one who allows me to catch fish in my net. Jesus Himself made sure that He was doing what the Father wanted, the way the Father wanted: I can of Myself do nothing. As I hear, I judge; and My judgement is righteous, because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent me. (John 5:30) My Pastor has said, "I know sometimes it just feels impossible to change, but it is not impossible for Him to change you." That starts not only with allowing Him in your life, but being vulnerable. I have really hated that word, but I am beginning to understand that using it as an action can be the first step to handing over your independence to the One who cares for you more than you could ever care for yourself. The action that is possibly more challenging than being vulnerable is leaning in closer to God when the pain or difficulty hits, rather than turning away. Maybe I will not experience motivation anytime soon for my studies, but I will know that I gave my best by first worshipping Him and doing my best with what I have now. What I must remember is that growing in my relationship with Him and having Him build my character is what will matter the most at the end of the day. It is all about the journey! The good news is that, with time, I was able to work more with Summer Wind and she became the best horse I ever owned. There are definitely very few horses that I have ridden that come close to matching her ability of being attentive to the rider, even if that is a little child. The most wonderful and beautiful thing about having a past full of hardships and pain is the fact that it is your story, your journey - it is what has made you who you are now, while also allowing others to learn and be inspired by it. What part of your past still haunts you? Is it not time to hand it over to a God who can use it to make you more than a fisherman of scaly fish but a fisherman of soul filled people? I learned that I can no longer do anything without Him doing it in me and that makes me relieved, because who could fix my issues and build my dreams better than God? No one. Alice, after experiencing a mad, sad, crazy, lunatic Wonderland, still had a perspective that she had had a wonderful dream. She had experienced pain and sorrow; she discovered that she was not capable of doing even the simplest of things; she was changed from the little girl who she was before the journey, but it was still to her a wonderful dream... Why? Because she was given experiences that only she herself could have experienced - a past that she could learn from. She made it her story so that she could grow into someone more than she was at present.
"Wake up, Alice dear!" said her sister. "Why, what a long sleep you've had!" "Oh, I've had such a curious dream!" said Alice. And she told her sister, as well as she could remember them, all these strange Adventures of hers that you have just been reading about; and, when she had finished, her sister kissed her, and said "It was a curios dream, dear, certainly; but now run in to your tea: it's getting late." So Alice got up and ran off, thinking while she ran, as well as she might, what a wonderful dream it had been. ~Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, pg. 141-142
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I am like a glass cup. To a thirsty wonderer I am of no use, no matter how pretty because I do not satisfy when empty. However, when I am filled with water I begin to live out my purpose and thus am able to represent what I was meant to represent. It is very easy to fill oneself with anything but pure water these days. An article from The Economist says that about 1 billion people are in need of a decent water supply. Water is one of the most valuable things on earth and it is dwindling. We can fill our glasses with any liquid, but the most life giving would be water. This picture of my glass cup reminds me of a life, while the water represents a decision. Whatever is in it is our past. Whatever we are pouring in is our present. Whatever we are going to pour in is our future. To help further answer the question "When does life start?" that I mentioned in my first blog post Purpose, Perfection, and a Footman I want to discuss it in my next three posts. I believe it is important to think about learning from the past, enjoying the present, and preparing for the future. Yes, I do NOT know it all about these three phases of life, but I can at least share what I have learned and what I plan to learn. Life is a tricky one and we all our very confused by it. In the t.v. show PBS Masterpiece series Downton Abbey, the character called Grannie or cousin Violet says, "Life is a game in which the player must appear ridiculous." I love that line because it really ties into the idea of Alice in a mad Wonderland. So we pretty much are filling our cups with ridiculousness, but is it life giving? One thing I have noticed about Alice is that when she is trying to discover who she is or trying to figure out where exactly she is, a sort of deliriousness takes over her, but only when she stops to discover the needs and problems of other characters does she find some answers in the ridiculousness in Wonderland. A large rose-tree stood near the entrance of the garden: the roses growing on it were white, but there were three gardeners at it, busily painting them red. Alice thought this a very curious thing, and she went nearer to watch them…
"Would you tell me, please," said Alice, a little timidly, "why you are painting those roses?" Five and Seven said nothing, but looked at Two. Two began, in a low voice, "Why, the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been a red rose-tree, and we put a white one in mistake; and, if the Queen was to find out, we should all have our heads cut off, you know." Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, pg. 91 If you know me, you would know I am quite a busy person. I never seem to have free time to just be "lazy," although there are times I try to and later end up paying for it. A few years ago it use to be quite the opposite and I seriously could not wait for my life to start up again. While there are times I miss my quiet days, I wish I used them differently. If I was given the grand opportunity again I would do the things I never have time for today. Even though I do miss my so called lazy days, I really like staying busy. If I am not excited about what I am busy with currently I will begin to dream of being busy with something else. I believe I began to think positively of a busy life when reality hit me - this is the only life I have on this Earth (or on the Moon, if I move there like when I am fifty or something). Because busyness can get us sidetracked with what is important, just being occupied with anything is not always wise. Being occupied with what is life giving is the key to living a full life. Trust me, there is a difference between being occupied with random busy and purposeful busy, and even with purposeful busy we all need breaks to rejuvenate. What is life giving? I believe it has to do with perspective, and not so much our own perspective but with God's, which means we would need to look at His view on life. "In the beginning God created the earth…" okay, okay… we have all heard that. Yet, have we all thought about why He created it? Simple - for His own glory and purpose. God meant for us to be the ones He utilized to bring life (not just having a heart pumping kind of life, but things that make life worth living). That means we were made with a purpose! For me that is very exciting, because my life has value, so therefore my time here will only be wasted if I allow it to be. My church, Water of Life, is like no other church I have ever been to. I use to think living for God was mostly boring and just plain hard to do, but WOL gave me a whole new perspective - God's perspective: life is an adventure. Adventure is full of daring journeys, weary valleys, dark forests, crazy characters…. No I am not just talking about Wonderland here to give you a visual. I am also talking about real life - a guy named Joshua who I really believe lived once and who had to face real giants. If you have seen the cast for the movie The Prince's Bride then you know giants do and have existed before. Even though there were giants in the land promised to him and the millions with him, God said "Every place on which the sole of your feet treads, I have given it to you" (Joshua 1:3). To be honest, if God told me that a land full of giants was to be mine someday… I do not think I would leap for joy. I would probably have a heart attack and think God is crazy. Besides the crazy facts, Joshua took a risk and believed God. Not just taking a risk on idea though, but with God's idea. I think it is safe to say we all take a risk by busy with multiple things. That can be a positive risk if it is God's idea. One of the things my church has done recently is give us devotional packets based off the motto Pressing in because people matter…. Someone who has made himself/herself anonymous paid for everyone's devotional. That may not sound like a big deal until you realize we have about 16,000 people who come to Water of Life. Yikes. Also, our books have a removable leather cover over it so we can switch our 30 day devotional with the next 30 day devotional when we finish the first. This person put a lot of money down to do this for our church. Yet, we have many people who do this for numerous things, and if it is not their money it is their time. Why? Because they know it is a life giving church - they are investing and taking risks in something that matters. Just because it is a church does not make it worthwhile. It is because this church is focused on showing people who God really is: loving, just, and merciful. When you invest in people, you change the world. I have been reading my Pastor's (Dan Carroll) blogs that he sends every day to go with our 30 day devotional, mostly focused on the book of Joshua. Each devotion and each blog is not what many of us would think - boring words telling us to read our Bibles and pray - telling us "churchy" words, as Pastor Dan likes to call it. Instead they are simple heart filled reminders to stay in the adventure with God and to not live life as we see it with our understanding, but in faith believing that God is going to make life out of our pain and sacrifices. We can do the impossible, we can be busy with the things that count, we can live with hope no matter what we giants we face. It is all about looking with God's perspective - living for what is life giving. One risk I want to take is by declaring the very fact that I need to be more joyful. It is a risk for me because I am putting myself in a vulnerable spot. I hate being vulnerable. However, I want to grow more than I enjoy despising vulnerability, and so if the very thing I hate helps me grow.. then I'll take the risk applying it. Therefore, I am going to as of now admit I need to work on being more joyful.
There are many things in my life that I have become bitter against. Yet, there are many things that I have used as a learning opportunity; the pain and disadvantages have allowed me to understand myself and others better. The things I struggle with now still have to be conquered. I have many dragons in my life which I thought were already slain or tamed for better purposes. Some of those dragons I still have to discover - I have a journey before me full of risks, but once completed will be of the very essence of life giving. I notice that it is hard to do any two things at once, but it is impossible to be mad and happy at the same time, while even more so to follow God's adventures while dragging yourself through your own. "I wish I could manage to be glad!" the [White] Queen said. "Only I never can remember the rule. You must be very happy, living in this wood, and being glad whenever you like!" "Only it is so very lonely here!" Alice said in a melancholy voice; and at the thought of her loneliness two large tears came rolling down her cheeks. "Oh, don't go on like that!" cried the poor Queen, wringing her hands in despair. "Consider what a great girl you are. Consider what o'clock it is. Consider anything, only don't cry!" Alice could not help laughing at this, even in the midst of her tears. "Can you keep from crying by considering things?" she asked. "That's the way it's done," the Queen said with great decision; "nobody can do two things at once, you know…." ~Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking-Glass, pg. 206 |
AuthorHello, I am Christiana! Archives
May 2017
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