I had owned horses for about 5 or 6 years a couple of years ago. Giving them up was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, because horses were my dream and passion ever since I was a little girl. There was a time in my life that I prayed every night for a horse when lo and behold God answered my prayers several years later. He now has taken them out of my life for a reason, but there is not a day that goes by that I do not miss them. Horses have taught me a lot about life. Especially one mare I rescued, which I named Summer Wind, who dealt with abuse issues that needed a lot of work. I trained her in a round pen for a long time before I took her out on the trails. She was very head shy - meaning she did not like anything near her head. Among numerous things, making her not head shy was my main goal. Finally, that issue was solved in the round pen so I started taking her out on the trails, but she quickly threw away her training and went back to her bad habits because of the new setting. She would fling her head and try to bolt whenever some plastic bag flew by, another horse was near her, a random branch was close, etc. Summer Wind's story reminds me of a story about some fishermen. Their job was to get fish and sell it to the markets. Except Jesus had showed up one day and asked them to become His disciples, which they did until He died on a cross for the sins of all man kind. In John 21, after seeing Jesus once only for a brief moment after He rose from the grave, it says these fishermen went right back to fishing for fish, when Jesus had taught them to be fishermen of men. Yet, they were in a new setting from their training - they had no Jesus constantly with them; they were no longer in the round pen like Summer Wind… they were now on the trail. They went out and immediately got into the boat, and that night they caught nothing. But when the morning had now come, Jesus stood on the shore; yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus. Then Jesus said to them, "Children, have you any food?" They answered Him, "No." And He said to them, "Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you shall find some." So they cast, and now they were not able to draw it in because of the multitude of fish. ~ John 21:3-6 Trust me, there is nothing wrong with fishing. Yet, if you read this in context you realize that Jesus was trying to teach them an important principle: that they can no longer do the things they use to do independently without Him. Also, He had a bigger plan for them now - to point others towards the Kingdom of God. I do not believe they went out to fish just because they wanted some fish, but because it was easier to go back to what they were use to doing before Jesus called them to be His disciples. Summer Wind did the exact same thing with me. She was still attached to her old habit of being head shy so when the pressure of a new atmosphere hit her, it was just easier to return to flinging her head or bolt instead of remaining calm and focusing on just listening to my queues. This can be an answer to why many of us repeat our failures. We try to forget the past, but it always seems to find its way back into our remembrance because we see ourselves repeating it in numerous ways. Or maybe we were really good at something, but seem to be losing our "touch." I have a good example of this. I use to be really good at managing my time with school - I would get assignments done even if it meant taking up my whole week with just school; I was really committed. I then asked God to be more involved in my life, including school. Things went well as usual, until I hit rock bottom a couple of times. I am again just recently at that rock bottom stage - I am not managing my time well, which means school is not getting accomplished like I would like it. I have become unmotivated. Just a couple of days ago I looked at the quote I have had pinned on my bedroom wall for like forever by Martin Luther: Work, work from early till late. In fact I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer. I have surrendered my college life to God, but I still have been relying on myself to get it done; I have been a fisherman going out to fish, expecting that I can still do it independently when I have given it to Him. What is wrong with this thinking? Well, you see, I was thinking with my own head, not spiritually. I have been convincing myself that I can do things like I have always done before, which is independently. Except now…. it is through His Spirit that I must do all things. For some of us, like me, that is a hard reality. I like doing things my own way with my own ideas. However, God has something way more grand for me. That does not mean I will now do things perfectly, but I know He is in control because I made a decision to make worshipping Him my first priority. He is the one who allows me to catch fish in my net. Jesus Himself made sure that He was doing what the Father wanted, the way the Father wanted: I can of Myself do nothing. As I hear, I judge; and My judgement is righteous, because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent me. (John 5:30) My Pastor has said, "I know sometimes it just feels impossible to change, but it is not impossible for Him to change you." That starts not only with allowing Him in your life, but being vulnerable. I have really hated that word, but I am beginning to understand that using it as an action can be the first step to handing over your independence to the One who cares for you more than you could ever care for yourself. The action that is possibly more challenging than being vulnerable is leaning in closer to God when the pain or difficulty hits, rather than turning away. Maybe I will not experience motivation anytime soon for my studies, but I will know that I gave my best by first worshipping Him and doing my best with what I have now. What I must remember is that growing in my relationship with Him and having Him build my character is what will matter the most at the end of the day. It is all about the journey! The good news is that, with time, I was able to work more with Summer Wind and she became the best horse I ever owned. There are definitely very few horses that I have ridden that come close to matching her ability of being attentive to the rider, even if that is a little child. The most wonderful and beautiful thing about having a past full of hardships and pain is the fact that it is your story, your journey - it is what has made you who you are now, while also allowing others to learn and be inspired by it. What part of your past still haunts you? Is it not time to hand it over to a God who can use it to make you more than a fisherman of scaly fish but a fisherman of soul filled people? I learned that I can no longer do anything without Him doing it in me and that makes me relieved, because who could fix my issues and build my dreams better than God? No one. Alice, after experiencing a mad, sad, crazy, lunatic Wonderland, still had a perspective that she had had a wonderful dream. She had experienced pain and sorrow; she discovered that she was not capable of doing even the simplest of things; she was changed from the little girl who she was before the journey, but it was still to her a wonderful dream... Why? Because she was given experiences that only she herself could have experienced - a past that she could learn from. She made it her story so that she could grow into someone more than she was at present.
"Wake up, Alice dear!" said her sister. "Why, what a long sleep you've had!" "Oh, I've had such a curious dream!" said Alice. And she told her sister, as well as she could remember them, all these strange Adventures of hers that you have just been reading about; and, when she had finished, her sister kissed her, and said "It was a curios dream, dear, certainly; but now run in to your tea: it's getting late." So Alice got up and ran off, thinking while she ran, as well as she might, what a wonderful dream it had been. ~Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, pg. 141-142
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AuthorHello, I am Christiana! Archives
May 2017
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